Struggles With My Addiction

I am a 47 year old woman who has struggled with addiction since I was about 7.  I began to notice, I enjoyed the way cough syrup made me feel.  I began searching for anything mind altering and any reason to use it.  I struggled in school and began selling alcohol and pot in middle school. It made me popular but drove me deeper into depression and I started experimenting more.  I dropped out of school at the end of 8th grade. I got my own place and a job. I always worked and payed my bills so it never occurred to me I was living a life style of addiction.  Then I started moving around the state a lot, always surrounding myself with other people out to have a good time.  I began to work at a biker/dive bar and lived above it.  The party never stopped. It eventually started causing me health and mental health issues. This was when God tried to save me by giving me a daughter and a son. He also gave me a husband who did the best he could for us.  Motherhood was new and scary to me after years of drinking and using.  At first, I was excited but then I began to drink heavily, always believing I could control it.  I went to my first treatment center when our daughter was only one.  I stayed sober for a while but fell off after our son was born. I tried my best to be a good mom but then when our daughter was 12 and my son was 9, I almost died of alcohol poisoning. I then found myself in treatment for the second time.  I stayed sober for a while, but then struggled to maintain it.  I became suicidal and was scaring my kids.  My husband had the difficult task of asking me to leave and to get help. He needed to protect our kids from my insanity.  I moved in with my brother and we both got sober for three years. He began to drink again after our mother got sick and died.  I was able to stay sober almost five years but I was always afraid to go back home for fear of breaking promises to my family.

I don’t know exactly what made me think I could have a few. Maybe it was loneliness, sadness over the state of my world, or guilt and shame but it started with one and it drug me down fast.  I just wanted to die.  I was in and out of the hospital so many times in a year and a half.  I was always trying to stop on my own.  I got a couple DUI’s living in my car, did some jail time and was released to treatment again.  I was filled with sadness and despair, even in treatment.  I was panicked as to where my life was going.  I did not have a home, a driver’s license or any supportive relationships.  Then God’s mercy gave me an opportunity at A Ray of Hope.  I was so scared because all my problems would still be there but everyone at A Ray of Hope shares similar stories.  There wasn’t any judgement here.

I began to feel safe and loved as I felt the forgiveness of Jesus.  Today things have started to get better.  The more I know and trust God, the more faith I have in his will for me.  I am so grateful to A Ray of Hope for helping me find a relationship with Jesus and a chance to rebuild my relationship with my kids.

Candy